I'm The Problem, It's Me

Overcoming my writing hurdles

Taylor Swift’s Midnights single “Anti-Hero” has been a heavily played song both in my head and on my Spotify since she released it back in October. In the song, Swift explores her mind’s nightmares and overthinking patterns over a catchy synth tune.

Her chorus goes:

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

While overthinking is a habit I fall into far too often, this simple sentiment also summarizes how I’ve been feeling about this newsletter and my writing for the past number of weeks.

It’s Hard to Come Back

They say that the longer you’re gone the harder it is to come back. We see it all the time in things like relationships, communities, job roles, and family homes. Whether it’s pride, guilt, shame, unresolved trauma, or rifts, there are many reasons why someone might delay their return to something.

I understand this problem when it comes to writing. I started this newsletter with the hopes of maintaining a consistent writing schedule and creating a space where I could write about whatever my heart desired.

I had a few topics that I wanted to write about but none of them felt right, so I didn’t send out a newsletter for a while. And then a while became a few months. I know it’s not a long time, but I felt guilty that I hadn’t stuck with the schedule which made it harder to “come back” to the blog. Nothing felt right.

(As a side note, I do find it funny that it took thinking about my habit of NOT writing to get me out of my writer’s block…)

Creating My Own Hurdles

I created this newsletter in order to overcome my anxiety of writing publicly. Even though I’ve worked as a freelance writer for over 2 years, there’s something so vulnerable about sharing my personal writing, even if the content in and of itself is not vulnerable. It’s so much easier to ghostwrite and hide behind SEO blogs.

When I started this, I didn’t want to care too much about what I thought readers would like. I didn’t want to think about the fact that my parents would be reading this (Hi Mom and Dad). I didn’t want to let writer’s block prevent me from putting out a newsletter. The whole goal of this newsletter was to put my writing out there. And yet I’ve created my own obstacles that prevent my mind and my hands from writing things down.

It’s why I resonate with Taylor Swift’s lyric so much when it comes to writing. I’m my own worst enemy, the toughest editor, and the biggest critic. I don’t allow myself to launch over the hurdles. Instead, I just make them higher and harder to jump over.

Just Write

There’s a quote from Stephen King’s memoir On Writing that, since reading it, I have tried to live by.

He writes, “If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There’s no way around these two things that I’m aware of, no shortcut.”

I often imagine King’s voice in my head like a micro-manager looking over my shoulder and telling me that I’m not reading or writing enough. While I’ve worked on improving both my reading and writing skills, it’s the “write a lot” portion that feels like the hardest thing to put into practice.

I can simplify some of King’s advice on the craft of writing with two words: “just write.” Even if it’s not perfect, just write. Even if it’s a fragment, just write. Even if no one reads it, just write. When my fingers are hovering over the keys waiting for the next sentence to come, I hear myself chanting “just write” in the back of my mind, like a coach training a track athlete. Even right now, I am reminding myself that this blog doesn’t have to be perfect - that maintaining the habit and laying the foundation is more important than writing a profound blog.

The Writer’s Gym

I go back and forth in my mind over how to proceed with this newsletter. On one side, I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself to churn out a blog every week while working two jobs. Writer burnout is a real thing, believe me. But, on the other side, I know the importance of training muscles at a gym. Even though it’s painful and tiring, the training helps you to grow.

As a happy medium, I’m hoping to start slow. We can’t expect someone who hasn’t ever been to the gym to lift the heaviest weight or complete high-intensity workouts 7 days a week. There’s a progression that has to happen. So, for me, I am going to continue steadily with moderate training.

You’ll have to bear with me while my muscles get re-used to the training. There will be days where I’m sore and need some recovery and there will be days where I’m full of writing energy. Either way, I know I want to continue “just writing.”